Which Way To Sesame Street?
by Sleeps in Rain
Summary: Kratos goes way, WAY off course on his journey to destroy Zeus...
1. Intro

_**Which Way To Sesame Street?**_

(the story elements of this fic are derived from those in God of War III)

-----

_**Intro: A Glitch in Time**_

_The three judges had approved him. With cold, collected triumph, Kratos ambled on to the next area of Hades' realm. He would need to meet Hephaestus in his forge eventually, but the alluring portal that adorned a wall of the cavernous room proved to get the better of him. He recalled that only moments before, he was unable to pass through these. Perhaps now, completing the three trials and gaining the judges' consent, he could. If his guess was correct, this Hyperion Gate would lead him to another statue of Pandora. Taking a few tentative steps forward, the blue glow of the otherworldly doorway engulfed his body…_

Within a split second, the warrior knew that wherever the portal did lead to, it was definitely _not _any part of the Underworld. In fact, it was not like anything he had ever laid eyes on before. Strange buildings surrounded him, and people wearing even stranger clothing strolled about, some even riding on contraptions with two large wheels.

"What…is this place?" Kratos murmured in wonder.

A few passerby gawked at him, some with puzzled expressions and some with friendly but cautious nods. Awestruck, Kratos walked on, taking his new environment in with fascination. Young people tossed an orange bouncy thing through a net fixed to a wall while older ones stared into great sheets of black and white paper, drinking…whatever it was they were drinking. Suddenly remembering what his original task was, he grew impatient. He stormed over to the nearest man and grabbed him roughly by the arm.

"Tell me where to find Pandora!"

Shaken, the man said softly, with a forced smile, "Well hello sir, you must be new here. I've never heard of Pandora, but this is Hooper's Store. Best sandwiches in town!"

Unimpressed, Kratos sneered and drew his blades, "Who are these Sand Witches you speak of? I shall DESTROY THEM!!"

Frightened, the man pleaded, "No sir, please! There are children here! Sandwiches are just a type of food."

Confused, Kratos eased up a little.

"You…eat witches?"

The man chuckled at this and gave Kratos his hand.

"I see we got off on the wrong foot there. Let's try a proper introduction! I'm Bob, and welcome to Sesame Street!"

Kratos stared at the man's outstretched hand, and then back at him, obviously having no clue what the gesture meant. Seeing he was going to get nowhere speaking to this fool, Kratos about faced and decided to find answers elsewhere. What kind of place was this, where people showed each other their hands and ate witches? At least he knew what the name of the place was: Sesame Street. He was almost certain no such place existed anywhere in Greece.

He trudged through the street, pushing children out of his way and kicking random flocks of chickens across the sidewalk. So far there seemed to be no one he could speak to for directions.

"Hey, you! SCRAM!"

Kratos turned to wind up face to face with a green, dirty, furry creature with giant eyes that stuck out the top of its head. Its body was only half visible, the lower half hidden away in some sort of large metal pot. He scowled at the creature.

"Tell me where to find Pandora. NOW."

The creature scowled back, apparently immune to his bowel-weakening intimidation.

"You're blocking Slimey's sunlight! He's trying to get a tan here, now SCRAM!"

Kratos stepped closer to the creature, his face mere inches from it.

"I will only repeat myself one more time, filthy beast."

A nervous expression flitted across the creature's face.

"Uh, hey buddy, cool it. I don't know what you're talking about…"

With that, Kratos hoisted the creature up, metal pot and all.

"Hey what do you think you're do-"

Unfortunately, it never got to finish that sentence, because before it knew anything Kratos had launched the thing into the air and somewhere over the trees. Trees which were pretty far away to begin with.

With the annoying green thing gone now, Kratos moved on, growing more and more irritated at this most unwelcome intrusion on his quest for revenge. Suddenly it occurred to him, and his blood nearly boiled with anger.

He thrust both fists to the sky, screaming to the heavens, "ZEUS!! You think you can so easily sidetrack me?! This is YOUR doing! Your games only serve to increase my hatred and hasten your death!"

"Who is Mr. Bald Man talking to?" a small, high-pitched voice chimed.

Pausing, Kratos looked down to the source of the little voice. Yet another weird-looking thing stood before him, seemingly not even standing three feet tall. It also had big buggy eyes at the top of its head, but it wore no metal pot and its fur was a brilliant scarlet. It seemed harmless enough and he saw little value in slaughtering it.

With a huff, Kratos shoved the little red creature aside.

"Why is Mr. Bald Man upset? Does he need a hug?"

Trying to control himself, Kratos barked "No! I do NOT need a hug! I NEED to find my way to Zeus so that I can finally relish extinguishing the life from his miserable carcass."

The little red thing stared in silence for several moments.

"Elmo still thinks Mr. Bald Man needs a hug."

"Who is Elmo? Is he the god of you people?"

The little creature laughed.

"Hahaha-heeheeheehee!! No, silly! Elmo is Elmo!"

"I…do not understand."

"Elmo's name is Elmo. What is your name?"

"My name is of no importance to you! Now get out of my way."

With that, the Spartan pressed on, determined to find a way out of this maddening place called Sesame Street.


	2. I Need a Hero

**Author's Note**: Ok, I wanted to bring back "commercials" to my work, so I figured this would be a good opportunity. I thought I had hit a "Eureka!" moment when I thought up the name "Zeus Juice", but upon Googling this, I found that unfortunately this is a real life product. So no, I do NOT own or have any affiliation whatsoever with Zeus Juice or whoever sells it. I'm simply…enhancing it ;)

* * *

_We now interrupt this broadcast to introduce…_

*obnoxiously loud rock music is blasting and a flash of lightning illuminates the screen. A deep, booming voice speaks*

_**ZEUS JUICE! **_

_*****_Zeus appears, surrounded by half-nude busty women, holding a rather large copper can in his hand*

Zeus: Mortals! Do you tire of feeling puny, insignificant, decrepit, slovenly, and utterly repulsive to the opposite sex? Do you find yourself spending your nights alone, with no one to cross, triangle, cross, circle, left analog stick with? Of course you do, because YOU are not ME. However, I have appeared before you via sophisticated telecommunications technology to implore you to purchase…

*deep, booming voice shouts*

_**ZEUS JUICE!!**_

*Zeus pauses and looks around, bewildered*

Zeus: As I was saying...it is the will of Olympus that you regularly consume-

*that stupid voice again*

_**ZEUS JUICE!!**_

Zeus: LET ME SPEAK, DAMN YOU!

*silence*

Zeus: *mutters obscenities* Now then, this beverage contains powerful antioxidants and herbal blends to promote vibrant health and vitality. Not to the same extent that I possess, obviously, but sufficient enough for vermin such as yourselves. So gather together whatever disposable income you have available and invest it in…

*he pauses again for a few seconds, waiting to be interrupted. After a moment, he opens his mouth to speak*

Zeus: Zeus-

*the voice*

**JOO-SAH!**

Zeus: Hades, I can RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE, imbecile! Don't make me BOLT YOUR A-

_And now back to Sesame Street!_

_

* * *

  
_

_**1. I Need a Hero**_

There was a certain air about Sesame Street. Everyone and everything was…happy. The colors were bright. People and animals sang songs together. Kratos just didn't know what to make of any of it. So far (at least during the commercial break), he had searched high and low for anything remotely resembling a way out of here, but to no avail. Instead, his senses were assaulted by rhymes, songs, and laughter every which way he turned. He was reminded of Calliope, his sweet little girl, and imagined what her reaction would be to such mirth.

He wandered around sullenly, not paying very much attention to his surroundings as his mind gradually became enveloped in thoughts of his family. For a moment, he didn't even feel the usual anger welling up inside that followed these thoughts. For a moment he just felt…a type of peace.

Peace that was all too quickly disturbed. He had virtually no time to react before a blue blur hurtled from the sky and straight into his chest.

Seething, Kratos let out a mighty growl and grabbed the blue creature by the neck, its feet dangling several feet off the ground. It wore a silvery helmet and red flowing cape, but it was stringy looking and hardly a threat. Still, Kratos was pumped.

"So you DARE attempt a surprise attack on ME?!"

With that, he threw it to the ground and drew his blades.

"Prepare to die like the coward you are…"

The creature, a bit dizzy from his fall, lifted the visor of his helmet with one hand and stood upright.

"Please excuse me, good sir. I was attempting to rescue a distressed citizen from that tree", he said as he pointed to one of the taller trees that lined the path leading to the park. Kratos' frown deepened when he realized that this "citizen" was nothing more than a tiny kitten clinging helplessly to a branch.

With that, the blue creature puffed out his chest proudly and announced,

"For I am the magnificent SUUUUUP…"

There was a long pause.

Kratos gritted his teeth in annoyance.

"…ER GROVER! Defender of innocent kitties and babies everywhere!"

Although he was just as irritating as the previous furry things Kratos had encountered, this one might actually prove to be useful. Might.

"You're coming with me."

Kratos effortlessly flung the creature over his shoulder and marched on.

"But I must save the kitten!" he protested, "Who else will be brave enough to scale such heights?"

"Not my problem. Your only concern is getting me out of this hellhole if you wish to remain alive."

Grover gasped deeply.

"Sir! You cannot use such language on a children's show. Perhaps 'heckhole' would be nicer."

"Shut up."

Grover gasped again.

"Shut up? We do not say 'shut up' in Sesame Street. When we want someone to stop talking, we say 'please be quiet' It is more polite."

"Very well. Please be quiet or I shall be forced to remove your spine through your anus and choke you with it."

Grover was very quiet from then on.

-----

After some time, Kratos broke the silence by asking exactly how Grover was able to fly and where he was traveling from.

"Well, the truth is, I do not know how I am able to fly. But it seems that visiting the magical telephone booths will do the trick. And I think my mommy's love also helps. She made me this costume for Halloween."

Kratos shuddered slightly.

"You will show me where to find these telephone booths."

"Certainly. There should be one close to Hooper's Store. Do you know where Hooper's Store is?"

Kratos muttered, "Unfortunately."

Presently, they arrived at the store. Only this time, there were many more people gathered there than before. The man named Bob was speaking.

"I don't like the looks of that man, though. I think I saw _blood_ stains on his skin. And he was carrying these huge weapons!"

"Weapons?! Oh no! How could this happen?", cried one woman.

Were these people serious? How could all this come as such a surprise? He had never seen such sheltered people in his entire life.

"We are here. Now tell me what this telephone booth looks like."

"Oh, they are always red. They look like big red boxes, with a telephone inside of course."

Kratos had not the faintest idea what a telephone was, but all he needed to look for was a big red box. Simple enough.

"There he is!" screamed one person.

Immediately, all eyes were on Kratos.

"And he has Grover hostage!" shouted another.

Seeing their fear as an opportunity, Kratos once again dangled Grover by his neck, this time holding a blade to it.

"You will tell me where to find the magical telephone booths, or this creature DIES."

A teenage boy, obviously jittery, stepped forward from the crowd with his hand outstretched. A small silver device rested in his palm.

"Um, like, if you wanna make a call, you can use my cell. Here, man…"

Kratos snatched the item from the boy, holding Grover up in one hand while he examined the phone in the other.

"What does this 'cell' do?" he demanded, randomly mashing buttons on the keypad.

"Um…like, you use it to talk to people and stuff. And it can, like, send text messages and pics if you want. So like where are you _from_ anyway? I mean, you don't even know what a phone is…"

Ignoring the question, Kratos continued exploring this odd device. It produced light and made sounds whenever he pushed its keys.

Grover, unable to breathe much at this point, asked in a raspy voice,

"Would you be so kind as to release me sir? I cannot breathe."

Kratos dropped him to the ground, still fixated on the phone.

"Will this return me to the Underworld?"

Everyone looked at one another quietly. The man was obviously a nutjob.

Suddenly, loud music and a voice spilled from the phone.

"_Oh hot damn, this is mah jam…"_

Startled, Kratos dropped the phone and promptly crushed it with his foot.

"Oh my god, DUDE! That cost like $400! My dad is gonna KILL me!"

Kratos, regaining his composure, hissed,

"Good, he will spare me the trouble of killing you first."

A woman made her way through the crowd, visibly upset.

"Now wait one minute, no one is killing ANYONE! You need to leave right now, sir."

The woman's husband pulled her back, "Maria what are you doing?!"

"Over here! I have found the telephone booth!", Grover shouted from across the street. He was waving his skinny arms around to get Kratos' attention.

Kratos stormed over and shoved Grover to the side. After a few moments of working out how to get inside, Kratos stepped into the phone booth.

"Now what?"

Grover watched, struggling to come up with a satisfying answer.

"Well, um, try spinning around in circles!"

Staring at him with a disbelieving scowl, Kratos did as Grover said, slowly turning in circles. After about ten or so turns, Kratos faced Grover once again. His face was darkened with displeasure.

"It did not work…"

Grover gulped.

"P-perhaps you are not turning fast enough?"

Kratos simply glared, not blinking even once. The tension in the air was growing with every passing second.

"Oh! Oh! I know. Turn eight times while saying 'Wubba Wubba'. Wubba Wubba makes everything work!"

Kratos sighed miserably and performed the humiliating dance once more, his eyes piercing Grover's with each turn.

"Wubba wubba…wubba wubba…this had better work…wubba wubba…"

By the time Kratos had turned eight times, Grover was about ready to bolt.

Kratos pulled out the Nemean Cestus and was seconds from striking Grover before he screamed, waving both hands in front of him,

"STOP! I know what is missing!"

"ENOUGH GAMES! TELL ME ONCE AND FOR ALL WHAT I MUST DO OR I WILL BEAT YOU TO A STICKY BLUE PASTE!"

"Super costume! You do not have the super costume! And you do not have your mommy's love to help you fly…"

Just for that alone Kratos wanted to kill him.

"Then I will just have to take YOURS instead."

Kratos ripped the cape and helmet from Grover and hastily put them on. The cape was a very tight fit and hung limply just below his shoulder blades. The helmet barely reached his upper lip.

"Now…try now.", Grover said in a whisper.

Kratos entered the phone booth one last time. Then, finally, it happened. A flurry of activity in the phone booth caught the crowd's attention, and suddenly, all was still. Several long minutes passed before Kratos finally emerged. But he was no longer the Kratos you and I both know and love, oh no. Today Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta, the successor to Ares as the God of War, became Super Kratos. And he has the big letter "K" on his chest to prove it.


	3. Skitty Skitty Bang Bang

_**2. Skitty Skitty Bang Bang**_

Kratos enjoyed a momentary surge of something akin to pride what with his shiny new battle helmet and handsome cape. But his swelling ego would have to wait, because it was time for one of those sometimes-fun-sometimes-boring-and/or-frivolous skits that interrupt the show like every five minutes.

*the scene abruptly changes and Kratos now finds himself in a large white room that is completely blank with the exception of four large colorful shapes floating in midair*

"What is the meaning of this?" Kratos demanded.

Ah, if only he hadn't asked. For as soon as he did, a chipper melody began to play, a foreshadowing of the song to come. And then a happy disembodied voice began to sing, and it was all she wrote. Or sung, whatever.

_One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong. Can you tell which thing is not like the other by the time I finish my song?_

Kratos raised his brow at the ludicrous request. He stepped back and took another look at the floating shapes. Perhaps this was just the Sphinx's riddle, and if answered correctly, he could be awarded a way out of here. The Sphinx sounded awfully suspicious, though.

"The answer to your laughably pathetic question is the three sided polygon."

A golden light surrounded the great triangle, signaling he was correct. And just as quickly as it had all started, it was over. He was once again back in Sesame Street, Grover waiting patiently for him by the telephone booth.

"Oh there you are Tall Well-Defined Muscular Man. You simply vanished for several seconds" he said.

Kratos trudged on by, yanking him along by one long, scrawny blue arm.

"You will teach me how to fly", Kratos huffed.

Now naturally, at those words, the first thoughts in his mind were those of the tale of Icarus, the foolish young man who disobeyed his father and flew too close to the sun and inevitably fell to his death. However, the time slot did not allow for the extrapolation of ancient fables, and it would simply do that anyone with even minimal brain activity should know better than to rely on wax and feathers to achieve sustained flight. End rant.

"But that is precisely the problem, sir. Without a mommy's lo-"

Kratos shook him violently like a ceaselessly wailing infant.

"Surely there is some other way!"

Fighting back nausea and double vision, Grover tried once more to explain the predicament.

"I know of no other way. I am sorry."

Kratos sighed a manly sigh. A sigh of dejection and frustration, a collective sigh for all those penis-endowed, for his masculinity was now unquestionably at stake. The search was now on for something he thought he had lost the opportunity to miss long ago: a mother's love. Right after this next skit though.

*Another white screen appears, this time with the letter Q sitting alone in the center. It has eyelashes for some reason*

"Not again…" Kratos groaned.

"_Q"_ a male voice said flatly.

"Yes, I believe at this age I should recognize a letter of the alphabet when I see one…" Kratos hissed.

Suddenly, a string of other letters marqueed in from the right side of the screen, joining beside the letter Q.

"_Quiet"_ the voice read out to the audience.

"What? NO ONE ORDERS ME TO SILENCE! I shall speak as often as I damn well please you insufferable son of a whore!"

Fortunately, thanks to the advent of censorship, the audience only heard bleeps to filter out the terrible potty words spilling forth from the anachronistic hairless Greek person.

And now back to the gravely important task at hand.

"We must find your mother, come" Kratos said to Grover, giving him a shove to get them going.

The furry blue monster hesitated.

"Well there are plenty of _other_ mommies here in Sesame Street…let us try them first."

"And what is wrong with yours? Is she suddenly not a suitable candidate?"

"Oh certainly but…"

"But WHAT?"

The creature whimpered softly like a little child.

"It is just that I do not really want to share mommies with anyone else…I am an only child after all."

Kratos stared into the camera. Oh if only you could see the expression befouling the man's face this very moment; it would make SpongeBob crap his quadrilateral little pants in a heartbeat. But that's a different children's show, offering little in the way of educational content. _Pizza Delivery_ was a damn good episode though.

"You have no choice in the matter if you wish to continue enjoying the function of your vital organs. You WILL bring me to your mother and you will do it NOW."

Grover balked.

"No!"

Kratos was stunned. Who in the name of Olympus did this thing think he was?

"Why you ignorant little-" Kratos seethed, making a move straight for Grover's head.

Screaming hysterically, Grover took off on foot.

"GET BACK HERE, YOU WILL DIRECT ME TO YOUR MOTHER!"

"NEVER!" Grover shot back, trotting as quickly as his boneless little legs would carry him. And that depended mostly on how skillful his puppeteer was.

The chase went on for a surprisingly long time, for by some unknown miracle Grover was holding his own in outrunning Kratos, who was taking mad swings at Grover's rear end with his Chaos Blades. He was about to take the final defining swipe when without warning, Grover and everything around them disappeared.

This time there was no white screen, however. Instead, there was a frog. A frog with a low brick wall and blue background behind him.

Kratos almost fell over.

"No. NO!" he yelled.

"Hi-ho! This is Kermit de frog and-"

"I do not give a Gorgon's ASS who you are, amphibian! Return me to the previous scene!"

Kermit took a double take at the strange cursing man beside him.

"Oh hello. Uh, I don't think you're in this sketch. Unless you're a new species of Twiddlebug?"

Kratos paused, trying with all his might to tranquilize himself. In fact he might have invented a new type of meditation ritual that yoga practitioners might find particularly handy. If this applies, take notes.

"A what?"

"A Twiddlebug. I'm actually going to be counting six of them within the next 48 seconds. I guess that makes you the first! Here we go! One…"

"No…"

A Twiddlebug entered.

"Two…"

"NO."

Another appeared, its cute antennae flopping about.

"Three…" Kermit continued.

"That's it…count THESE!" Kratos said.

Activating Hades' Army, he summoned a host of ghouls to vanquish the numeral-loving pests. They screamed, trying in vain to flee. They bounced around the set like tennis balls as they were attacked again and again. By the time it was all over, Kratos had earned himself quite a hefty payout of red orbs. Having been so rudely cut short, the skit quickly closed and Kratos prepared himself to throttle Grover, who was currently taking the opportunity to shove as much lost stuffing as he could back through the gash Kratos had torn into his fuzzy derrière. Upon spotting Kratos, he let out a guttural shriek and fled, leaving a trail of stuffing behind him. Kratos, as much as he would have delighted in finishing him off, decided his efforts would best be spent obtaining a maternal object with which to gain his aerial abilities. Without a guide now, however, that might have just gotten a bit more challenging.


End file.
